48 hours before leaving for NYFW i’m rushing around the city trying to pull some looks together because half of my clothes hadn’t been delivered. I was sitting in the fitting room staring at my naked body after realizing that i’ve gone up 2 dress sizes. A year ago I probably would have been distraught over this. I’m the largest I’ve ever been & i’m about to head to NYFW where I have to shoot photos for brands I’m working with. That is enough to make a girl start to feel very insecure. I’m not proud of the fact that I have gained so much weight but I’m so proud of the amount of growth & self-love i’ve developed this past year.
2018 was one of the hardest years of my life. At the very beginning of the year I faced back to back traumatic events that have forever changed my life. For eight months I’d go to bed and pray I didn’t wake up the next morning. I knew I was gaining weight & people would nicely recommend going to the gym (Endorphins make people happy, right?) but when you don’t even want to wake up the next day, why would you care about your outer appearance?
I have an incredible support system. My mom and sister were supportive of the days when I didn’t want to leave my house or really get out of bed. They would remind of who I am, how strong I am and be my strength during the days that I didn’t have it in me. I started seeing a therapist and she helped me process my emotions & take my power back. The last 6 months i’ve learned to turn my pain into power. I’ve learned to love myself in a whole new way. I can’t even find the words to describe the love I feel towards myself now.
There have been so many moments in my life when I thought if I looked a certain way then I would love myself more or other people would love me more. Its an amazing feeling to look at yourself when you’re at your heaviest and your first thought is “you are the strongest woman in the world” & you aren’t even trying to give yourself a pep talk, thats genuinely how you feel about yourself.
It would be easy to feel upset over the fact that i’ve gained some weight but i’m so proud of how far i’ve come & the woman i’m growing into. I’m in tears writing this because the fact that I could stare in the mirror and love myself at my heaviest is so empowering for me. Maybe sweatpants are the only thing that fits me right now but that just means there’s room for even more self improvement.